I hate plaid.

I really do. I've never liked it. Ok no that's not true. When I was eight I wore faded jeans and a white t-shirt with a plaid shirt wrapped around my waist. It was cool because I was EIGHT and had a sense of Alanis and Kurt running through my country bumpkin angsty veins.

Being a hipster and being gay usually means that you're supposed to like plaid. Quipsters love the shit. But that's just the thing - it's shit. If I had a dime for every time I defied quipster stereotypes I might be able to buy some land in Northern Lao.

And when people try to 'make an effort,' what ON EARTH ARE THEY THINKING when they opt for the plaid option in their closet?

The only time that plaid is formal is for Scottish weddings. I've always wanted to go to one. I have a newfangled obsession with Scotland. Have I mentioned this? Well fuck then that means that I must start liking plaid in a more general sense. I've typed myself into a corner.

Plaid still sucks unless you're Ewan McGreggor or getting married in Glasgow.

SCAMS ABOUND

I just can't win:

Grocery Stores are the new Toys 'R' Us

I love grocery shopping in Asia. Thai packaging designers show their dedication to being ethnically inclusive when populating the aisles with phallic imagery:

SOMEBODY HAS A CASE OF THE MONDAYS

In Thailand everyday is Funday Monday.

SICK TAT

Suddenly it all makes sense.

There are people who have tattoos, and there are people who do not. And then there is I, straddling the great divide with my Prismacolor® arm graphics. The people of the former category always and unfailingly tell of their plans for their next tattoo when they are asked about the one(s) they are currently sporting.

I get it.

Yesterday my friend David sketched a sick tat on my arm for my debut burlesque performance as Billy Idol here in Bangkok. This morning I kept my left arm out of the shower so that I could bask in rock and roll glory for just one more day. Why? Because I fuckin' like it, and for the following reasons:

1) I look badass
2) I have jumped from a 2 to an 8 on a scale of lesbian (Not looking 'gay enough' once wreaked havoc on my soul. I have since decided that there is more to life and fashion than dressing to your orientation)
3) Suddenly I'm one step closer to 'getting the look' of Harper's Bazaar's Michelle Obama-inspired look for 2010: Arms-Are-The-New-Face. Tattoos make your triceps look like they could bench one, if not several Spice Girls.
5) Guys come up to me and ask me about my 'ink,' subsequently showing me theirs. Thus I have more friends on facebook.
4) I look cool
5) I look rad

And suddenly I find myself wanting to book another date with the Prismacolor® set.

PROOF

That Winona Ryder c. 1994 is universally accepted as forever hot.

I took this photo yesterday at MBK, Bangkok's frenzied consumer haven:

Hopping back on the wagon

When people ask me, 'What do you do in Montreal?' I usually respond by throwing a few titles around, one of which is 'a writer.'
This is complete bullshit.
You see, there are people who call themselves writers, and there are people who actually wake up every day and write. Hitherto I am the former, but as I tap away at this keyboard I become the latter.

Did I tell you? I'm in Thailand. I've just begun working as an entertainer at a swanky night club.

It's hot. Humid. Tasty. Chaotic.
Did I mention it's impossible to find a fucking good cup of coffee anywhere in this city of 12 million people? It's Sunday morning. I'm off to buy a sequined bra at the market. I'll be scouring the streets for non-instant coffee on the way.

EDIT:
I have mixed feelings about instant coffee. Actually, no I don't. Simply, there is only one person in the world who I deem worthy of making a cup of it, and that is Katharine Ross. Everyone else should hang their head in shame and direct me to the nearest socially conscious, independent version of Starbucks.